Monday, July 30, 2012

Not yet morning...

I awoke at 4am to the call of my middle aged bladder.

I should have turned around and gone back to sleep once the call was answered.

Yet, I am here. Reading old blog posts alternating between wiping tears and laughing as I read what was captured moments of my past.

I have been in some sort of holding pattern since the death of EWO. Time seems suspended. I am living in it and enjoying many things...but I'm waiting for something.

Perhaps it is a good sign that I feel myself slowly wake from this numbing living slumber.

Baby steps...back into life.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Lost in Facebook land

I have been spending most of my time in Facebook land and immersed in my photography...sadly neglecting my old Haphazard Blog. Is anyone here anymore or have we all migrated to Facebook?
Retirement is strange. I keep "waiting". My mind has not caught up to the fact that I am not going anywhere...or required to be anywhere other then temporary appointments I make along the way.
Other than my photography, I haven't really accomplished anything new.
I have been enjoying my time with my Not-so-Mini-Warrior, tremendously. He is such a great young man. Every day I seem to fall deeper and deeper in love with my son. How can this be when I already love him to the Universe and beyond?
Lord V and I are so comfortable together and our home life is so peaceful and wonderful, there are times I close my eyes and just soak it in. To have been raised in chaos...and then find peace when middle something I do not nor ever hope to take for granted.

I still have bad days...dealing with emotions from the loss of my Mother (EWO). It comes unexpectedly, blind siding me...and I am filled with tremendous grief and sadness. Time does soften the edges...but sometimes having the edges softened leaves you wide open for the unexpected raw sadness.

I have thought about going to see someone to talk it through...but I find I do not trust anyone to fix this anguish inside me...I fear it would only make me feel more despair if I open the vat all the way to let someone touch my secrets. I find I am not strong enough to risk the darkness.

But that is life, isn't it? The dark, the light, the grey, the bright yellows of living. Right now I am sitting writing this blog on my new Apple Air laptop, sitting in the darkness outside, typing by the light of the fire in our fire pit...listening to the waves of the Columbia River lap against the shore.

LuLu lays between my legs, her warmth adding a cozy feel of home. Lord V sits nestled in a blanket sitting on a lawn chair, reading a book on his iPad. Not-so-mini-Warrior is at his Dad's house, so the evening here is quiet. I find I miss his teenage ramblings...but right now? Right now this peace is nice.

Deliciously, lusciously...wonderful.