I was to create a scrapbook of what I wished for in my future.
I can't remember what I put in my scrapbook. I can only remember my disgust at the responses of the majority of the girls in my class.
They filled their books with ring sizes, house sizes, X amount of children, location of home and what colors their weddings would be.
I remember thinking "That's it? That's all you want?"
Now that I'm older I hear the same sort of talk from my peers.
They seem content with the idea of working til retirement, having a couple of grand kids and then fading off into nonexistence when they are in their 90's.
Again I find myself saying, "That's it? That's all you want?"
And...again...my scrapbook is blank.
I don't have any ideas of what it is I want...I just know...I want more.
I feel guilty uttering those words.
Guilty for there are many who do not have the wonderful things I have been given.
Guilty for having good health when there are those dear to me who are fighting for their very lives.
And yet, something still cries inside me.
I don't want to be content with working til I retire, having a grand kid and then fading away when I'm old.
I want to leave something of myself behind.
I want to mark this earth with an image created by my hand that says
Kat was here
I want
More.
Is that wrong?
5 comments:
funny you mention this. when i was still in grad school a little while ago, there was a fellow student who was a retired military guy. he was there, i figured, just to stay out of his wife's way.
one day i turned 30. and i exclaimed "God i'm 30. but i don't know what i want to do with my life." the military guy looked at me and said "i'm 60 and i still don't know want i want to do with my life."
i have exact feeling you do. there got to be more than just home-work-home-retire.
let me know when you figure this out.
You are not wrong.
I have decided that this "make your mark" way of thinking is a mistake. I am starting to think that there isn't an answer to what "to do" because we ARE doing.
(I am not talking about those people in a job they hate & living above their means.)
To me it is your spirit talking when 'stuff' wont satisfy...it is restless--like mine is. They say to think of something you love &
then find out how to incorporate helping others into the mix.
I know very well the guilt thing-I am not as handicapped,deserving, as the next person so I don't deserve(fill in the blank) I think that comes from having an unloving mother-so we aren't deserving of things like satisfaction, happiness...
Aafrica: It makes me feel less alone that others feel this way :)
Laochie: your affirmation makes me smile.
Jadey: Part of me realizes your answer is probably the truth--but I still crave...
*sigh*
It is never wrong to want more. That want is what drives us to do more and to be better... its a part of growing.... setting goals - and then achieving them.
BUT
Always rejoice in what you have!
Don't let the drive for more for better make you UNSATISFIED with what you DO have!
Dragon
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