Wednesday, October 19, 2011


My brother called me yesterday afternoon. EWO has suffered a series of strokes. She asks often if her husband has called...and thinks I am 17 years old. Obviously she has lost a few years. My Father has been dead for 8 years now and I am 46.

When I was 17 I had left home. The last of her adopted children to leave her poisoned home. I did feel responsible for her and hadn't learned I could step away without being permanently tied to her, so I often called her after I had left home. She kept mentioning this to the Doctor. How her daughter would be calling her because she called her all the time.

The sadness this information brought to me was mixed with an oil spill of guilt. I am sad that the independent life of what made EWO is now done. Relief, guilt, sadness swirls around inside me.

I will be flying to Mexico soon, to close up her home and box her mementos. Her friend who has been caring for her is coordinating with me on choosing a care home for EWO to live in.

This wonderful friend who has watched over EWO since my dads passing. Who has dropped everything to run to EWOs aid when called. This Saint...told me EWO said to her, "you know I like you. I hope you know that. But I don't like spending time with you."


I am sad...but the guilt is being sopped up quickly by the empty sponge she installed inside me so many years ago.


Cindy said...

Oh Kat, completely understand how you feel. Know my thoughts are with you.

Mei Lian 橡媄蓮 said...

I know of nothing to say for comfort. All I may do is send you best wishes.

Haphazardkat said...

cindy: i know you do understand where i am at right now. thank you for your friendship :)

Haphazardkat said...

Mei Lian: sadness shared makes the burden lighter. thank you.

Laoch of Chicago said...

Tough days for you. Good wishes to you.

Haphazardkat said...

Thanks, Laoch :)

Peaceful said...

Going through their homes is veryvery difficult mentally and physically. I truly hope you have help waiting for you to handle the mess waiting for you. NO GUILT throwing "personal" things away like photos- as long as everyone has been notified-they wont show up to help right?
You are not alone- it's life's dirty secret.

Haphazardkat said...

Jadey: Yes, I am not looking forward to going through what is left of her lifetime of belongings :(
My brother is talking about going to Mexico but I'm not sure he will go with me or at a later date. Lord V is coming with me. I feel weak and do not want to face this alone :(
I'm a bit bothered that EWO's friend hasn't called me since for going on 2 days now. She was supposed to let me know about putting EWO in the hospital. My iPhone does not cover calling Mexico--so I guess I will go out and get a calling card and give her a ring tonight. EWO always has people email me when she I was able to glean all of her old email addresses of her family in Holland and her friends in the States and let them all know what was happening. It's mentally exhausting :(