Friday, September 29, 2017

Step by step

My MiniWarrior is all grown up now.  He sports a man beard and works an adult job at walmart.
It has been a steep learning curve for me to navigate my role in this time of his life.

He is determined to get his license yet he stresses over driving. He has driven enough now where he is familiar with his car and how it handles. He does well on familiar routes but still struggles on new routes. The fine details is what we are working on now. Lane changes, awareness of all stop signs. My mom heart gets so stressed, I’m telling you...ugh.

But I cannot let my fear keep him in the protected bubble of childhood. That is where the difficulty lays. How much do I control and how much do I let go. This is a very delicate, difficult dance as he is autistic and needs more one on one care then a typical 19 year old.  Teaching him to drive is half learning the rules of the road and teaching him how to control his stress so he stays aware and doesn’t zone out into angry driving or misses something critical because he is battling a flood of emotions.

There is a lot of—I know that Mom! Im not dumb!  And....why didn’t you tell me that? I didn’t know that!  I am to be both quiet and outspoken. The balancing act has me spinning.  But, he is doing so amazing and I could only dream he would be doing so well. I remind myself that once upon a time I researched guide dogs for him because he had zero danger awareness. Now he is working and driving.  I shall continue to be his guide dog until he is ready to fly solo.

Just throw me a treat now and then,,,,,

Monday, September 25, 2017

4 years later...

Shocking to see how much time has slipped away from my last post. I blame Facebook.  Recently I've toyed with the thought of leaving Facebook. The hatred, the bigotry, the...stupidity. Ugh. I find myself angry when I log on. The masses are not attractive. The ugliness.

I still long to connect. I haven't completely reached the hermit stage...yet. So I'm reaching out to my old space. A place where I can collect my thoughts and take a breath.

4 years have passed. I am now motherless. All my parents have now passed. Twice now I've sat beside my dying mothers and helped them slip from this world.  I don't even know how to explain the complicated feelings I have inside me.

Dreaming of finding my birth Mother. The miracle and joy of finding her, hearing her, hugging her for the first time. The anguish of sitting at the foot of her hospital bed and talking to her about letting go and letting Hospice help her end her fight.

Following her hearse, sitting in my uncles truck and watching the hearse with my mothers body drive under the San Bernardino bridge. San Bernardino. I had traced the letters of that name so often with my childish finger. The place of my birth. The mysterious place where SHE lived and I lived inside her.

Watching her casket be lowered in the ground.


Its been a brutal time of my life.