Monday, September 25, 2017

4 years later...

Shocking to see how much time has slipped away from my last post. I blame Facebook.  Recently I've toyed with the thought of leaving Facebook. The hatred, the bigotry, the...stupidity. Ugh. I find myself angry when I log on. The masses are not attractive. The ugliness.

I still long to connect. I haven't completely reached the hermit stage...yet. So I'm reaching out to my old space. A place where I can collect my thoughts and take a breath.

4 years have passed. I am now motherless. All my parents have now passed. Twice now I've sat beside my dying mothers and helped them slip from this world.  I don't even know how to explain the complicated feelings I have inside me.

Dreaming of finding my birth Mother. The miracle and joy of finding her, hearing her, hugging her for the first time. The anguish of sitting at the foot of her hospital bed and talking to her about letting go and letting Hospice help her end her fight.

Following her hearse, sitting in my uncles truck and watching the hearse with my mothers body drive under the San Bernardino bridge. San Bernardino. I had traced the letters of that name so often with my childish finger. The place of my birth. The mysterious place where SHE lived and I lived inside her.

Watching her casket be lowered in the ground.


Its been a brutal time of my life.


Seeking Serenity said...

life is very long and the chapters are so short....
((( HUG))) i never understood why adults called themselves 'orphans'
until lately... It is how one feels.
my mom has not passed physically, just the long goodbye.
I am glad to see you again , write here if you can
I cannot write because of followers..

Haphazardkat said...

Yes, the orphan thing is so, stark...isn’t it? I feel for you as you live this awful limbo of watching and waiting. Its so brutal.
Im sorry you cannot post. Can you create another blog where you don’t have the “followers?” Hugsss to you my friend.