Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Its That Time Again...

EWO is arriving in my State, my City, my Neighborhood, my Space...tonight.

She is staying (for now) at her friends house.

She did not call me.

She did not write me.

Her friend called to warn me last week.

And her Mexico friend called me (multiple times) to give me jobs to do once EWO arrives.

When will I no longer feel obligated to host this person who filled my childhood with shattered shards of memory that roll around and leave my insides bleeding?

Every day of my life with MiniWarrior and Lord V is filled with kindness and love. Gentleness and laughter.

I've become spoiled, wrapped in their love for me.

And every day it shows me what I missed when I was a small helpless prisoner in her house.

Every day it shows me what could have been. Should have been.

And I struggle not to let the empty space she created inside me fill with hatred.

I push it down by wrapping my arms around my precious son and kissing the freckles that dust his cheeks.

I shove the bitter tide back when I lean against the strong wall of my Lord V and hear the sturdy beat of his heart.

I'm trying.

Trying not to let her neglect and abuse of me win.

But sometimes?

Sometimes I feel broken and wonder if I'll ever repair.

5 comments:

Laoch of Chicago said...

Embracing the path of kindness and keeping people out of your life who do not wish to travel this road is a wise decision. As someone who had a toxic parent I can say that the damage they can cause is really unlimited.

Peaceful said...

How can we do it Laoch?
Abuse is a strong bind...and we have a soft heart...
I was almost charged with neglect!
Why dont they leave us alone?
I'm sorry Kat,Send your son to a friend's house or something?
Oops sorry you didnt call & we are away!
((HUG))

Mildred Ratched said...

Be strong enough to know whatever pain you feel is not deserved. Be patient with yourself and embrace that inner child. She needs comfort and understanding and tell yourself this too will pass!

Cindy said...

(((hugs)))
Sorry my friend I have not been by....conputer issues and life have crashed in on me....But I will be a regular visitor again soon.

Haphazardkat said...

Laoch: all true and what I am attempting to do :)

Jadeykins: Its going well. I have yet to see her. lol. best visit yet!!

Mildred: patience is hard. Courage is difficult. but I am trying :)

Cindy: I'm glad your PC is back up and running!!!