Retirement is strange. I keep "waiting". My mind has not caught up to the fact that I am not going anywhere...or required to be anywhere other then temporary appointments I make along the way.
Other than my photography, I haven't really accomplished anything new.
I have been enjoying my time with my Not-so-Mini-Warrior, tremendously. He is such a great young man. Every day I seem to fall deeper and deeper in love with my son. How can this be when I already love him to the Universe and beyond?
Lord V and I are so comfortable together and our home life is so peaceful and wonderful, there are times I close my eyes and just soak it in. To have been raised in chaos...and then find peace when middle aged...is something I do not nor ever hope to take for granted.
I still have bad days...dealing with emotions from the loss of my Mother (EWO). It comes unexpectedly, blind siding me...and I am filled with tremendous grief and sadness. Time does soften the edges...but sometimes having the edges softened leaves you wide open for the unexpected raw sadness.
I have thought about going to see someone to talk it through...but I find I do not trust anyone to fix this anguish inside me...I fear it would only make me feel more despair if I open the vat all the way to let someone touch my secrets. I find I am not strong enough to risk the darkness.
But that is life, isn't it? The dark, the light, the grey, the bright yellows of living. Right now I am sitting writing this blog on my new Apple Air laptop, sitting in the darkness outside, typing by the light of the fire in our fire pit...listening to the waves of the Columbia River lap against the shore.
LuLu lays between my legs, her warmth adding a cozy feel of home. Lord V sits nestled in a blanket sitting on a lawn chair, reading a book on his iPad. Not-so-mini-Warrior is at his Dad's house, so the evening here is quiet. I find I miss his teenage ramblings...but right now? Right now this peace is nice.
Deliciously, lusciously...wonderful.
6 comments:
Going to see someone about sorting out your complicated feelings towards your mother is a sign of strength not weakness. Everyone is the same underneath and other people often see us much more clearly than we see ourselves.
As someone who grew up with a mentally ill parent I understand the toll that it can take on you.
Good wishes.
Laoch and we are together in this :)
I actually have opened that envelope of abuse of the worse kind between a mother and daughter. Looked at it and recalled each detail and how it effected my life and relationships. Then one day I revealed the truth to a space fellow through an email...
You know what? instead of shunning me, the person said they were honored to be the one told :O omg I told someone...and it was OK.
Laochie and Jadey: It is the uncorking of the vat inside me that scares me. Not so much of speaking these things to another person, but the fear that once I do open that up I will not be able to crawl out from the muck that will well forth. I felt it after my mother died. The realization that I didn't have to have it corked anymore...for when she died, the rest of my connection to that family died. It was a sense of freedom that was wonderful yet I could not enjoy it for the immense feelings that came along with it. I have since tried to shove that cork back in place as I truly do not feel strong enough to handle that flood.
You have always seemed to me to be stronger than you give yourself credit for.
But I will think good thoughts and say a prayers for you. :)
The uncorking is very healing. If you go to see someone who knows what they are doing, they will help you sort these issues out and help you to realize that a lot of people have these issues, that it is ok to feel the way that you do, and then help you to put things in context. The burden you are a carrying is a heavy one. Give yourself permission to carry a lighter load.
Mei Lian: thank you :)
Laochie: Yes, you are right. I know this. Perhaps when a bit more time has passed and the grief is not so huge.
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