Friday, January 11, 2013

The Year of Learning

I've been meeting with a Therapist lately, to help me unravel the giant knot of thoughts this past year has created.

I wasn't sure how talking with a stranger would help me--but I needed a fresh view of the jumble inside of me to help me figure things out.

I made the appointment because the loss of my Mother twisted me up inside..and the looming loss of my little sister was overwhelming me.

I am glad I did.  I was better prepared when the final call did come and I flew to be at my sisters side before she left us. Better prepared...but still not fully prepared. I don't think anyone ever is.

One of the burning questions that seared itself into my brain, playing over and over again without answer was: How can I be grieving the loss of my Mother, when I don't want her back and in my life?

Here is the answer I have been given.

When I was 5, I made a pact with myself that I would never let my Mother's actions change me. That no matter what, I would remain true to myself. I would be kind, compassionate and strong. She would not break me and twist me into a version of her evil self.

I envisioned standing over her grave someday, dusting my hands and walking away knowing she had not broken me. Had not changed me into her.

When the time did come last year...when I sat beside her bed and held her hand for the last time, I realized I had accomplished this. I had remained true to me. I was kind, I was compassionate, I was strong. I was proud of how I was raising my son, proud of who I was as a friend and a life mate.

The Therapist told me this:  Your Mother was your teacher. She taught you what not to be. Everything you have done in your life has been checked against who she was. Your path was kept in line by testing it against what and who she was...and what and who you chose to be.  Now she is gone and you no longer have that check. You are on your own. Your decisions now are ones you make alone.  You've lost your teacher. That is the loss you feel.

A knot was unraveled inside me, light was let back in. I still have more knots to unravel, but now have one less inside of me.

Knowledge is good. Knowledge is light...and freedom.


Laoch of Chicago said...

Having had an extremely toxic parent I understand your struggles. I hope that you will find serenity.

Peaceful said...

how interesting!
I read somewhere that daughters will also not want to be "women" either.
as far as not liking their female body, lower their voice,not dress like one, etc.-That's me.
You are strong to get out and find a therapist. ((hug))

Haphazardkat said...

Thanks, Laoch :) I am doing fairly well, I just hate unanswered questions. They plague me. Also, toxic parents leave you with a muddled view of life. Meeting with a professional thinker, has helped create balance.

Jadeykins: I have not heard that! I know that when I was around my Mom I was very much the tomboy. I never showed my feminine side to her. I just thought it was my way of keeping my guard up. Hmm...very interesting! I don't know if I was so much strong in seeking out a guy pushed me towards it. After awhile of overwhelming sadness I agreed. I don't know why I was so scared to is quite nice to be able to talk to someone you can leave your mental angst with and walk away. I never wanted to do that with friends or my loved ones.

Cindy said...

I am proud of you!

Haphazardkat said...

Thank you, Cindy :)

kittycatlane said...

I've been getting counseling too. It really helps to have an outside opinion of things, and sometimes it really helps to be able to tell them something and have them say, "You're right, that is crazy/wrong/bad/ignorant." My parents are both, as Laoch says, toxic. After many years of being angry and hating them I finally realized it was affecting everyone around me and I did not want that to continue. So I'm working on that and PTSD. I think it's wonderful that you are going and it sounds like you have a great counselor! BIG HUGS, Steph (I'm going to remember that explanation of why you miss her even knowing what she was. It's something I need to remember.)