I've been slinking around the house lately all moody Kat.
Last night as I stood in the brisk Fall evening wind grilling Honey Bourbon Chicken Breasts (mmm)I had a conversation with myself to try and figure out the moody cloud that's been hovering over me.
A lot of things (large things) were obvious. One being my Mom's (EWO) open heart surgery coming up sometime in October.
It's worrisome. This looming surgery for EWO. She's 83 and last time I saw her she appeared fragile. I worry that she won't wake up from the surgery or that there will be complications and she won't survive afterwards. I'm trying to prepare for that. To organize things that if this should happen what I would need to do with her things in Mexico and lawyers and bookkeepers etc. Mostly, I dread the grief. The loss...and...the relief.
I think that's whats really making me moody. The fact that there is a tiny part of me that would be relieved that that part of my life would be over. How wrong is that? How terrible is that? How awful?
I spent my childhood chanting two things to help me survive through it:
1. This will not last forever. Someday you'll be an adult, have a family of your own to love and love you.
2. You will not let her change you. You will strive to be kind, compassionate and unselfish so that one day when you stand over her grave you can dust your hands and say "I won" "It is done" and walk away without regret.
MiniWarrior and I have been fortunate to have found someone who loves us and has taken us into his life like lost foster children and has embraced us as family, opening his home and sharing us with his extended family.
Step one is complete.
The reality of Step two is more complicated.
Now that I am facing the reality where the time that I can "dust my hands" might very well be in the near future I'm conflicted, my Peeps. Seriously conflicted.
Time has softened the wounds of my childhood. Wounds that this woman created. But she is a human being whom I have history with. One who laughs and cries and dreams...and I feel ugly for the confliction inside me.
So, I'm moody for I'm very much afraid I've failed in kindness, compassion and unselfishness.
6 years ago