Last night as I stood in the brisk Fall evening wind grilling Honey Bourbon Chicken Breasts (mmm)I had a conversation with myself to try and figure out the moody cloud that's been hovering over me.
A lot of things (large things) were obvious. One being my Mom's (EWO) open heart surgery coming up sometime in October.
It's worrisome. This looming surgery for EWO. She's 83 and last time I saw her she appeared fragile. I worry that she won't wake up from the surgery or that there will be complications and she won't survive afterwards. I'm trying to prepare for that. To organize things that if this should happen what I would need to do with her things in Mexico and lawyers and bookkeepers etc. Mostly, I dread the grief. The loss...and...the relief.
I think that's whats really making me moody. The fact that there is a tiny part of me that would be relieved that that part of my life would be over. How wrong is that? How terrible is that? How awful?
*sigh*
I spent my childhood chanting two things to help me survive through it:
1. This will not last forever. Someday you'll be an adult, have a family of your own to love and love you.
2. You will not let her change you. You will strive to be kind, compassionate and unselfish so that one day when you stand over her grave you can dust your hands and say "I won" "It is done" and walk away without regret.
MiniWarrior and I have been fortunate to have found someone who loves us and has taken us into his life like lost foster children and has embraced us as family, opening his home and sharing us with his extended family.
Step one is complete.
The reality of Step two is more complicated.
Now that I am facing the reality where the time that I can "dust my hands" might very well be in the near future I'm conflicted, my Peeps. Seriously conflicted.
Time has softened the wounds of my childhood. Wounds that this woman created. But she is a human being whom I have history with. One who laughs and cries and dreams...and I feel ugly for the confliction inside me.
So, I'm moody for I'm very much afraid I've failed in kindness, compassion and unselfishness.
*sigh*
6 comments:
You did what you had to do to survive and there is no shame in that. The very fact that you are conflicted and you are gong o be there for her surgery means you did not fail.
Beause of my past with my mother I always thought I would be sad but not wiped out by it....Yesterday I saw her i a hospital bed for the first time in my life and it tore at me....
(((hugs)))
My kind friend
Smiles at you and takes you into a big BD hug. Also know that you have your extended family that loves you and we/I am here for you always. I'm always saddened when someone close is going through this because it reminds me that I too will be going through it also much sooner that I want too. I know the history that you've told me and I know how that can change a person negatively in their adult life. Well my dear it hasn't,it is what made you this wonderful, caring, and loving kitty kat that you are......XoXoXo BD
You should be kind to yourself. Having had a toxic parent I can say that these battles against the parent can not be won. Hopefully your mom's health will improve but the scars of your childhood will linger so having mixed feelings is perfectly appropriate and understandable.
as far as i can tell you've done a fantastic job at being kind and compassionate. i can't remember how many times you've brought laughter to my gloomy days. it's difficult times you are in now. take good care of yourself.
I understand.....
even about the bouts of the crankies...
.... brain filling with all kinds of things to say....
((HUG))
How you feel and what you think have no bearing on what kind of person you are. It's what you do (or don't do) that matters.
And what your doctor writes about you in your file, that's really important, too!
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