Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I Got Skills, Peeps. S.K.I.L.L.S

I've discovered a skill.

Apparently I'm a Bum magnet.

Mmm hmm.

This morning, after much nagging from Lord V. I decided to be brave and take the Max train to work instead of the express bus.

I slunk into a single chair that faced sideways (so I wouldn't have to share a seat with strangers) and cracked open my (Janet Evanovich: Twelve Sharp)book.

I was 3 pages deep into Stephanie Plum's arrest of the 72 year old porn shop owner, chuckling over the old bat nailing Rangers man Tank in the "family jewels"...when a large smelly shadow loomed over me then shifted and plunked into the seat adjacent to mine.

"How you doin'" the smelly shadow slicked out to me in his best Joey-from-Friends pick up voice.

I rolled an eyeball over the top of my book and nodded in his general direction then skittered my eyeball back to the center of my book.

"Yer sure lookin' pretty this mornin'"

I clenched my book tighter and hunkered down lower in my chair.

"Shy, huh?" He said with a raspy chuckle.

I lowered my book and speared him with my best pah~leese look.

He grinned at me treating me to a display of mangled yellow teeth coated with a years worth of plaque and pilfered cigarette butt nicotine.

I slunk back behind my book shield and hid there for the next 20 agonizing minutes while the hunk of burning bum love attempted to burn through it with his red rimmed laser beam eyeballs.

Uh huh.

*shows you the hand*

Step back with your jealous rays beaming my way, I can't help my Bum Magnetism.

*tosses my hair with a haughty flip*

Don't be hating on me, Peeps cuz I got skills.

Sweet sweet skills.


Laoch of Chicago said...

I wonder if there is a cure for this. Suffering this malady means you should stay away from Chicago.

Catwoman said...

You know who is powerless to my womanly powers? Anyone who works for an oil change place. I've had my greasy hair in a pony tail, crooked sunglasses on, baby on my hip, wedding band on and they STILL hit on me! Amazes me!

Haphazardkat said...

Laoch: Not a good vintage of bums there? :)

Catwoman: I guess if you spend all day looking up the ass crack of automobiles anything starts looking good!
...thats not to say you don't have the mojo happen'n. *circle snap* work it, girl!

Cindy said...

I know your pain, my friend!
Never fails I get on the SkyTrain....(don't know why they call it that because half the trip is UNDER ground) I get the Canadian counter part to your admirer *GAG!*
Take care
And have a GREAT week!

La Chanson de Phoenix said...

To Catwoman: Not all mechanics are sleazeballs.


This is funny, I love the way you wrote it and I felt as if I was in your shoes! I have been, actually. I could almost smell the man's putrid breath.

huch said...

Now I know why I am drawn to you =)

Haphazardkat said...

Cindy: Skytrain sounds like a 70's trippin' song title :D Have a wonderful week, also!!

LaChanson: I'm sorry I made you mentally smell his breath. *hangs my head in shame* :P

Huch: You can't resist the magnetism. I understand. It's like kryptonite. Feeeeeeellll the burnnnn.

Aafrica said...

oh i know just what you mean! i seem to share the same ability. i often talk back to them though, and by the end of the conversations, i usually found them very interesting.

Haphazardkat said...

Aafrica: You are braver than I.

R U Serious?? said...

I used to have that same magnetism with the bumettes, which is why I stopped taking trains. I just wish I had thought of carrying a book! At least you were wise enough to not leave an empty seat next to yours!!

Have a terrific Thanksgiving o' Skillful Kat!

Jade said...

No,how are YOU doin'..lol.
I made it here 3 months with my hood up, hiding...and then I heard it-gulp- "leave that girl alone"
Dam, the creepy guys have seen me:(