It's almost WHAT?!!!

Sheesh! Where has this year gone?? I just realized yesterday that Christmas is next week.

.....Next week, Peeps!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

My shopping has been done for awhile now--but mentally I am not prepared for this event.

I'd say, "where did the year go" but really, I'm so ready to put this difficult year behind me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving.

CHOMP well.

Embrace those you love.

Resist poisoning those you don't.

Captured Moment

On a whim I used my iPhone to record my Mom as I sat by her bed. She couldn't respond to me but I wanted to bring something back to my siblings so they could feel like they were there with me. I recorded my hand holding and stroking her hand as they were the one thing that remained familiar to me. I panned the iPhone eye up to record her face and then back to my hand holding hers while my thumb stroked across her 85 year old knuckles.
I did not realize that I was capturing her last moments of life. That a few hours later she would slip away from this world.

Now I find myself playing that video over and over. It is infinetly precious to me.

Walking Ajijic

LV and I went for a walk yesterday, into the heart of the village Ajijic. The place my Mother had made her home for the past 15 years.

The walk was laborious as the streets were made of large rock cobblestone. But the views...beautiful.

The Mexican people love color. All the houses from grand to shacks were painted in warm yellows, greens, reds and blues.

Red, orange and purple flowers crawled up and peeked over colored stucco walls while large cactus stood as prickly sentries.

It was a mix of old world and new. A Mercedes zoomed by us, as the dust settled an old man in a horse drawn cart clomped past.

We sat and had dinner at a little restaurant/bar along the shore of Lake Chapala. We sat outside on leather woven chairs and sipped our drinks at a tiny table covered with a festive Mexican table cloth.

We feasted on fresh guacamole, warm tortillas and melted cheese appetizers. Then gorged ourselves on steak strips, melted cheese and onion pieces that simmering in bubbling mexican sauce served in a large volcanic rock bowl.

For awhile the grief was pushed backwards and my mind fought hard to push through the numbness that has held it prisoner. It was a welcome respite.

We took our time and ambled slowly back to our hotel. Tired and dusty we plunked on the bed and rested our weary bodies.

I am thankful for the momentary peace. And for my wonderful LV who pushed past my fears and talked me into taking Chanda. (my beloved camera).

Time Frozen

Today I went to her little home.
The world was frozen in time while I walked amongst her things.
Schedule reminders. An unfinished book.
Her glasses lay amongst her notes on her desk.
And pictures...in every crevice. Of her home in Holland. Us kids growing up.
Silly nicknacks.
The only sound while I walked around in what had been her life--was the ticking of her kitchen clock.
I stared at it angrily. How dare it keep ticking after her heartbeat had stopped.
The memory of stroking her face before the funeral man took her away was still brutally etched in my mind.

I found notes to us kids. One in a pretty chest by her kitchen willing it to me.
"To (me), the best daughter a mom could ever have"

I felt my insides tremble--my inner batteries faulter as my strength waned.

Lord V called softly to me to stop. To let it go for today.

To recharge.

So I did. And I am. Recharging--to begin again tomorrow.

She is Gone

She has passed on.

I woke up multiple times last night--each time I whispered a prayer for her Jesus to take her.

3:30 this morning He did.

Final Moments

I sat holding her hand. It was the only thing that remained the same on her.
I sang songs to her. Spoke in Dutch to her. Told her i loved her.

Romantic dramas show people weeping at the bedside of dying family members--pleading for forgiveness or offering forgiveness of their own for past circumstances.

You know what? I stared into the face of the woman who raised me. Who filled my 46 years with angst. And the words of forgiveness were just so shallow. So meaningless. So trivial.

It was no longer my mother laying there. It was a person who shared a history with me and was now at the final moments of her life.

My brain said, "I forgive you"

My heart moved my mouth and spilled out every word of comfort it could offer...and when it ran out of words--i found myself singing to her. Songs she long held dear.

Her face turned toward me and her breathing softened.

In that moment i realized the shallowness of grudges. The trivialness of angst.

In the end you only wish peace.

A Few More Hours

A few more hours and I will be in Mexico, holding the hand of EWO.

Last night was difficult, gathering up the pictures that were the slideshow of her life.

It was odd to view them with adult eyes instead of through the eyes of her child.

I saw for the first time, EWO as a woman, living her life...raising her children.

I remembered posing with her for a lot of the pictures...knowing that the smiling family looking into the cameras eye was just that...a pose.

But it was the pictures of a young, ambitious, adventurous EWO--before she became my mother...that pierced me.

What would it be like to be 85 at the end of your life...and have another gather your photo's. Images of your life...what would that someone see of my life?

Today...

Today was a good day.

Things still loom heavy for my trip to EWO in Mexico...but today there were no emails, no phone calls...no responsibilities weighing me down.

It felt good to have a quiet lull in the emotional storm that has been my life of late.

Grief Trumps All

A few more days and then I will be with EWO.

News today is she has brain cancer and a very short time to be here on this earth.

I find all the bad history I've tried so hard to rid my insides of--washed away in the tidal wave of grief.

Good, Bad, Evil..it is all gone.

I only think now to be able to reach her side before she passes so I can bring her comfort.

Tiny Gifts

I was thinking yesterday that I could not recall a picture of EWO laughing.

She has a wonderful sense of humor. Wicked, childlike, quick.

All the pictures that have been taken of her over the years have been of her posing. Self conscious and reserved.

This morning I opened my email to find a letter from her brother in Holland. It was filled with encouragement and support...

and he had attached two pictures.

One. Was of EWO laughing.



It touched me.

Mexico Bound

Lord V and I are headed to Mexico within the week.

So much planning, so many emails, so many phone calls...

Once the hotel and plane reservations were made the stress eased off a bit.

Final arrangements with our cellphone company this morning to allow us use of all our international features without losing our shirts. Complete.

Now we wait for the date to leave. To fly to the one who raised me. To smooth out the finishing edges of her life.

No matter the history, it is a hard thing to see the eminent end of ones parent.

Deep Breath

Tis officially the weekend.

Thank God.

I need a moment to catch my breath.

To not be responsible for anything or anyone but myself.

This has been an unbelievable week.

EWO

My brother called me yesterday afternoon. EWO has suffered a series of strokes. She asks often if her husband has called...and thinks I am 17 years old. Obviously she has lost a few years. My Father has been dead for 8 years now and I am 46.

When I was 17 I had left home. The last of her adopted children to leave her poisoned home. I did feel responsible for her and hadn't learned I could step away without being permanently tied to her, so I often called her after I had left home. She kept mentioning this to the Doctor. How her daughter would be calling her because she called her all the time.

The sadness this information brought to me was mixed with an oil spill of guilt. I am sad that the independent life of what made EWO is now done. Relief, guilt, sadness swirls around inside me.

I will be flying to Mexico soon, to close up her home and box her mementos. Her friend who has been caring for her is coordinating with me on choosing a care home for EWO to live in.

This wonderful friend who has watched over EWO since my dads passing. Who has dropped everything to run to EWOs aid when called. This Saint...told me EWO said to her, "you know I like you. I hope you know that. But I don't like spending time with you."

Sigh.

I am sad...but the guilt is being sopped up quickly by the empty sponge she installed inside me so many years ago.

Oh Siri

Lord V got up at 3am to order my new iPhone 4s the minute they became available...which causes my heart to sing:

Oh Baby, how do I love Thee? Let me ask Siri to count the ways.

"Dear Siri, how much do I love Lord V?"

Kat, I do not understand Lord B

"Lord Veeeeee"

I do not understand Lord B

"Lord Valtimore"

I have located Baltimore

"Lord VEEEEEEEE"

I have found 12 Lord places in Baltimore

"no no NO! Lord Veeeeee....oh nevermind!"

Kat, I don't understand nevermind

ARGH!

GIRL PUNCH!

Dear Creepy Middle Aged Man who shared the elevator with me this morning,

I do not like you, Creepy Middle Aged Man

You who tried to block me from keying in this morning so you could go first.

I do not like you, Creepy Middle Aged Man

You who slithered in the elevator with me and then stared at me the entire ride up--the whole three floors.

I know I looked like I ignored you but I was really plotting girl punching you in the nose...in my head.

Blows the Cobb Webs off the Blog

Phew! Look at the last date of my last post!

TSK.

I've been neglectful.

Let's see. Updates.

No-longer-mini "MiniWarrior" is in 8th grade now. He stands 5'10 tall and clomps around in size 11 man shoes.

I find myself staring at him, fascinated by this half man that has poltergeisted (that is SO a word!) my MiniWarrior, stretching out his skin so he towers over his Momma.

I know it's a poltergeist because now when I ask my sweet MiniWarrior to do something for his Momma his adorable high pitched voice drops 4 octaves and something garbled and growly spews forth sounding like "Whatever" followed by a hissing "Kahhhhhhhhhh" sound that causes his eyes to roll back in his head and his shoulders to lurch and hunch in torturous spasms.

I'd call an exorcist but I'm afraid that something gruesome will flop outta him and consume me in my sleep.

Lord V is doing grandly. Well, now that his funny bone has healed. Which he broke while riding his bike up a hill.

"What the &%$!" I hear you ask?

Yes. His funny bone. Which, if it wasn't so sad, is quite ironically hilarious because he is a man who prides himself on his witty puns.

Puns so bad that a groan from deep inside ones large intestine will roll its way out and up, spewing out of your mouth in a gravelly monster sounding moan.

I gotta admit. It's a skill I admire.

So yeah. His funny bone is all healed now, except his can't quite straighten his arm.

"My life as a Superhero is doomed" He says. "I'd be flying in circles 'cuz of my bum wing."

"See?" He says, thrusting out his arms in a flying Superman pose.

I laugh and shake my head. He's still the man of steel in my eyes. Bum wing and all.

Bob-a-roo

I knew him only from the pages of Blogland.

For 4 years he faithfully followed my blog smattering my comment box with humor and encouragement.

His name was Bob. I referred to him as Bob-a-roo. Bob seemed too plain a name for such a warm, wonderful human being.

I received the news tonight I knew was coming yet it speared through me.

Bob lost his fight and slipped from this world.

I cannot imagine not seeing another post from him.

I cannot fathom not ever seeing his name pop into my comment box, never failing to bring me a smile even on my darkest of days.

He will be missed.

God. Will be missed? I miss him already.

I know life has to end at some point but I was not ready to lose Bob-a-roo.

My friend.

Tiny Thank You

A few days ago, I let the dog out for his morning bathroom break. I followed behind him to guard against any rogue coyotes that might view him as a snack. We had seen a couple of coyotes slinking around in the daylight hours...quite alarming as we had, up until the sighting, allowed our little Bichon to roam the back yard, unguarded.

While waiting for the dog to do his business, I noticed the hummingbird feeder had gone dry. I unscrewed it from its tree tether and filled it with red hummingbird juice and reattached it to the tree.

A few hours later, armed with my hello kitty blanket, a soda and a People magazine, I snuggled into the chaise lounge on our terrace to soak in some afternoon sunshine.

The wind had a bite to it, hence the hello kitty cover, but the sunshine felt divine on my flu/cold/plague body.

Deeply immersed in my People magazine (it was the photo shoot of the royal wedding *girl squee!*) I became aware of an odd little squeaking noise. It sounded like a cassette tape being quickly rewound (for those of us old enough to remember what those where...).

I peered over my magazine to find a tiny hummingbird fluttering in front of me chirping away!

I stared at it for a moment in amazement. It was so close I could have reached out and touched it.

"chitter chitter chitter" it said. Its wings fluttering like a fan blade set at high speed.

"Your welcome" I said. And the hummingbird zoomed off.

I sat for a moment while my brain tried to catch up with the moment. I had the odd feeling of being in a waking dream.

Did that just happen? My brain asked.

That was so freaking awesome! The forever child who lives inside me answered and pumped her fist in glee.

Reflections from my Sick Bed.

I have been ill this past week. After 2 visits to the doctor the diagnosis is "a bad virus". Prescription? Gatorade.

Seriously?

Yup.

And it worked like a miracle drug.

I feel myself beginning to crawl out of the pit of sickness back into normalcy.

I am still coughing like my body is trying to turn itself inside out.

I'm still terribly weak and cannot quite fathom how I am going to survive an entire day at work tomorrow...

But, I am on the path to wellness.

You know the strange thing about being ill? Everything around you becomes skewed.

The little things take on more meaning. The things you thought were so important, you find were just burdens you put upon yourself and really didn't need to carry.

I think this revelation comes when you are forced to stop moving. Forced to lay still for hours at a time with nothing left to do but reflect.

I know as soon as I am fully well again I will be embracing life full speed again and these fleeting insights will get shoved back into a memory drawer.

But today, today I am too weak to move faster than a snail on a bed of gravel.

Today I shall document my reflections for my busy self to read when I am well again.

Dear Busy "healthy" Self:

Sunshine is divine.

The feel of it soaking into my skin feels better than the sip of an iced mocha I spend trudging through lines of people and traffic to acquire.

Time is relevant.

Rushing full tilt to try and ring every precious minute of a day makes the day seem shorter and less pleasurable.

Spending an hour laying still, drinking in a story a clever author has spun seems to suspend time.

Why is that?

These are the revelations I have come to today.

I shall try to remember this when I am well and chasing life by its tail.

But for now, I must crawl back into my sofa nest and reflect while my body twists and heaves to remove this dreaded virus from its pores.