Sunday, June 07, 2009

Loss and Contemplation

So yeah, I've spent the last week moping around questioning the futility of humanities exhausting grind through life.

I realize this is a natural process of grieving. The minds shock of a life and all it entails suddenly "gone".


I wish I had answers as to what is on the other side of life. That mysterious place where we go when we leave this world.

Unfortunately, all my religious studies in college answered nothing for me, thus my Agnostic stance.

The world, as I knew it, before my friends death has changed. I look at familiar things and they have taken on a strangeness.

There is a hollowness inside me. An empty spot that was reserved for Mikey.

I find myself talking to him. Asking him to let me know he's OK. That I understand he is busy with watching over his family and, I'm sure, the shock of no longer being part of this earth...but to please, let me know there is more then this life.

More then the daily grind that ends in...

So yeah. I'm in the state of what psychologists would label as "grieving".

Grieving. Such a small word for a flood of feeling.

I don't have any answers. No guide book to life and the here-after. I just know that my friend was once here, laughing with me, grousing with me about work, pondering life and family and struggling to answer his grandsons billionth "WHY, Grandpa" question...and now he isn't.

He isn't here.

And I am.

All that makes up life continues and I watch my right foot follow my left as I move forward. Ever forward, because that's what we do.

We laugh and cry. Fight and embrace. Eat and sleep. Ponder and Dream...

We live. Until...we don't.

There is no other solution. No other recipe we can follow.

I took an extra moment this weekend to stroke the soft skin on my sons cheek, tracing the line of freckles that dance across his nose.

I played his favorite game of frogs with him and revelled in the sound of his laughter.

I let him have that extra half cup of coffee.

I baked cinnamon twists for my little family to enjoy with their Saturday morning coffee because it filled the house with the happy smell of home.

I walked and picked wild flowers, arranging them in a vase with some roses that grow along side our house.

I curled up on the sofa in the living room and shared the afternoon silence with Lord V as we read our books.

And today friends are coming over for a BBQ.

There will be laughter and feasting and shared life experiences.

And that's what it's all about.



Cindy said...

(((hugs))) Kat.
I have no wis words for you...You said it so well life does go on weather it feels fair or not, I am still in that looking at the everyday things...They stil seem a little faded, I'm trying to plan a party, and a trip and all I want to do is tell my friend about it, and wish she could share it with me but she can't, part of me feels quilty that I'm going on and laughing and having a good time, but I know my friend would want me too, so I do and one day I know it will get easier.

Haphazardkat said...

Cindy: I know you know what I'm feeling right now, with the loss of your friend so new and raw. It is a different thing to lose ones friend--a different sort of loss then a family member dying. I know this guilt you feel...but its a wasted feeling, for you know that both our friends would have wished for us to live and love and laugh with great passion.
So we do...but the ache is there behind the laughter, for they are not there to share it with us.
((hugs)) to you, Cindy. Big ((hugs))

Laoch of Chicago said...

I think your are right to try and embrace the time you have left and to try and spend it with people who are close to you and worthy. The existential conundrum of life is how do we find meaning amongst the randomness. I think the answer is generally in being in engaged in one's activities and relationships.

I am sorry about the loss of your friend. The world always seems a bit dimmer when this happens. Good wishes to his friends and family.

Peaceful said...

OH sweet Kat...
I dread the day I loose a friend...
(((HUG YOU TIGHT)))pets your head and sheds tears for my dear Kat's sadness...

Haphazardkat said...

Laochie: One must continue to engage in life, else--what is the point, right? :) I keep telling myself this...eventually it will sink completely in.

Jadeykins: Thank you :) *snuggle hugs back and sighs*

Aafrica said...

hi Kat, i haven't visited for a few days, then so much have happened in your life. i'm very sorry to hear about your loss of such a good friend. how frail life is. it's easy to say the living must go on when your heart is tied to the one that's no longer.

i've always admired you and how you find your ways to deal with difficult situations such as this. do take care of yourself and your family.

Mei Lian 橡媄蓮 said...

I regret your loss but I envy your having known him. He looks to be a person I would find a friend.