Iron Scars

She sat on the wooden bench. Her designated seat at the family table. She was five. Her blond hair twisted into braids, their ends decorated with colored beads, she stared intently at her Mother with somber eyes as she heard, once again, the story of how she came to live with this family.

"I had pain in my stomach and went to the doctor. I was told I had an infection in my tubes and would never be able to give birth to children. I remember riding the bus home in a daze then sobbing as I told my husband that I was incapable of having children. He surprised me. A man of few words, he shrugged at my horrible news and said, "We can adopt children." Then he left for work.

I felt a great weight lift from me. Yes! We could adopt children! I called the Children's Aid Society the next day and asked about adopting a baby boy. A few months later we brought our first son home. He was adorable with his little red tuft of hair.

Two years later we applied to adopt another baby boy. There was some problem and we had to really struggle to get another baby. I called the Children's Aid Society every day for a year until they finally caved and gave us another baby boy.

Two years after that we applied to adopt a baby girl and shortly after, brought her home. We moved after that from Canada to California. And I set about applying for another baby girl. I wanted two boys and two girls. My husband did not. He said that three children was enough. He didn't want four but I was determined to have my two boys and two girls.

We argued but I won and applied for the adoption of a baby girl. When the call came to pick up our new baby, my husband refused to go so I packed up the rest of the kids and we went to the Welfare agency to pick up the new baby. And that was you!

I brought you home, so excited to finally have my two boys and two girls. But, your Father didn't want anything to do with you.

She smiled a brittle cruel smile over at the little girl who sat beside her. He never has you know. He's never wanted you. Wants nothing to do with you.

The girl sat quietly, forcing her small features into a passive, unflinching, blank look. She felt her Mother's eyes rove over her face looking for a chink, a sign of vulnerability that she could pounce on. An excuse to tease her for caring. For being weak. She kept her features carefully frozen until her Mother, bored with her mind game moved on to another subject.

The little girl said nothing. She kept the secrets, she had stored up in her short five years of life, carefully inside. The news that her Father didn't want her was something she already knew. She knew it from the time she was three and her Mother first forced her Father to take her with him for the day. She had listened quietly as they fought. Then made herself small in his car as he angrily drove with her to some place he had to go. She lay obediently behind the back seat of his car when he explained that he didn't want her to go with him to where he had to be so he wanted her to hide underneath the blanket while he was gone.

She hid patiently for hours but grew hot beneath the blanket and curiosity got the best of her so she dared to peek from under the blanket and out the window for her Father. Daylight disappeared and the darkness of night approached but no sign of her Father. Suddenly a Policeman tapped on the window. It scared the little girl. Her heart beat frantically. Her Father would be furious with her. He had told her to hide. To stay under the blanket so no one could see her! The Policeman tapped on the window again and motioned for her to roll it down for him. What to do? He was a Policeman but her Father had said...

The Policeman had kind eyes and the little girl was so tired and lonely in that hot car. She timidly rolled the window down and the Policeman reached in and opened the door. He smelled of peppermint and kindness as he pulled her gently into his big arms and carried her to his car. The ride was a blur but the car was warm and filled with the comfort of the big man.

Two Police ladies placed the little girl in a high chair at the Police house and fed her peanut butter crackers and milk. The little girl was a bit embarrassed at being in the high chair. She was three. Certainly too big for a baby chair. But she didn't speak of her embarrassment. The ladies were nice and she didn't want to make them angry with her.

She sat on the floor playing with a mound of toys the kind police people had arranged for her when she heard the large voice of the big Policeman, who's car she had rode in, raise his voice in anger at someone. She froze, mid play and listened as she heard her Father's voice mingle in with the big man. The swinging door flew open and her Father stepped in and yanked her from the floor and into his arms and strode out of the Police house while the kind Policewomen and the big Policeman looked on with grim faces.

Her Father drove home in silence. The little girl didn't dare utter a word. She could feel her Fathers anger and displeasure with her for getting him in trouble. They arrived home and he deposited her with her Mother and disappeared. The little girl shook, sure that she would be punished for angering her Father. Dressed in PJ's and deposited in bed, she puzzled but remained silent at the escape from punishment.

A year passed. Her Father ignored her and the little girl remained quiet and out of his way til one day her Mother decided to make him take her with the other kids on his regular fishing trip.

She listened quietly as they fought then slid like a shadow in between her siblings in her Father's car as they drove to his favorite fishing place. She played quietly but happily in the sand while watching him teach her brothers and sister how to cast the big fishing pole lines into the river. There was much happiness and excitement as her older brother dragged in his first big fish. A Salmon almost the size of the little girl. She giggled with happiness watching her brother pose proudly with the big fish while her Father snapped a picture of the moment.

A while later they packed their stuff and headed to her Father's car. The little girl walked behind her siblings and Father and did not pay particular attention as they suddenly huddled together whispering and laughing quietly then shot her a fervent look and ran to pile into the car. She puzzled as to why they shut the doors of the car without her inside then watched horrified as her Father drove off without her.

She ran after the car calling out, "You forgot me!" She saw her Father realize his mistake as he pulled the car to the side of the road and wait for her. Relieved, she ran to the car and reached for the door. She saw flashes of her siblings laughing faces and her Fathers as the handle of the door was wrenched from her hand as they drove off without her.

Terrified she ran after the car again. Again it pulled over and waited for her only to zoom away as soon as she got to the door. She was little and stupid and didn't realize it was a game until the third time. She stood and watched the car drive away, once again, then sat calmly down on the side of the road and refused to run again. She watched as her Father's car pulled over once more. But this time she did not run. She sat quietly and waited. They rolled down the windows and yelled for her to come to the car. She continued to sit. The door of the car opened and her sister ran out and grabbed her arm, yanking her towards the car. She sat quietly while her Father shot her a disgusted, angry look and her siblings mocked her for crying and laughed at her running after the car.

She said nothing to her Mother when they got home but she was never asked or made to go on another fishing trip with her siblings and Father.

The little girl sat on the bench in the kitchen by the Family table and traced a finger on the cheap plastic tablecloth while listening to her Mother talk.

"He didn't want you. Never has. Wants nothing to do with you."

"I know." She whispered inside herself. "I know."